So. Two days ago I was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. That means that is has escaped the tumour in the breast and has traveled into my lymph nodes. Hopefully it has gone no further. I am just 30 years old.
I've decided to write this blog to help me process what is happening to me. I am not a good writer (so apologies if this looks like a stream of consciousness - it is), but I find writing things therapeutic. I also know that people will be curious about what I'm going through, but may not not feel comfortable asking, so it may kill 2 birds with one stone.
This is what happened in the lead up to my diagnosis...
I found the lump on a Saturday morning a few weeks ago. I was a little worried, as my mother has recently recovered from breast cancer, but assumed that it would be benign. But I did the responsible thing and went to see my GP (after finding a GP, having only moved into our new house a few months ago), she gave me an urgent referral to the Breast Care unit at a hospital in Windsor. The urgency of the appointment was due to family history rather than anything particularly worrisome about the lump.
The appointment came around within a week, and I went along for tests etc with Simon (my husband) and my Mum. The first test is to ultrasound the lump - this rules out cysts, which are harmless and can be treated on the spot. I had assumed that this is what the lump was, as they are quite common. So the first sign that things were perhaps not going to go well was the diagnosis of a lump rather than a cyst. I spoke to the consultant, who said that given my age it was most likely something benign, and he examined me - which is when the lump under my arm was found. I'd found this lump earlier, but as I couldn't always find it, I thought that it was probably my bleak imagination going into overdrive. But no, it was real, it just moves around a lot.
I don't really remember much about the chat with the consultant other than getting really annoyed that he kept talking to my mother rather than me (more used to talking to middle aged ladies, I assume), and that I wasn't sure if he was giving me good news or bad...
Next step was the mammogram, which was an odd experience. It was once described to me as like taking your breast and slamming in the fridge door, and I think that's a good summation of what its like. Not really painful, but no fun at all either.
Finally on the initial visit was the biopsy. If you go to get a lump checked out and it's not a cyst, most likely you will end up having a needle core biopsy, which is done with the aid of ultrasound. The word core here is more important than the word needle - its more of a tube with a pointy bit. Thankfully this is done under local anaesthetic. It's also quite interesting as you can watch what they're doing on the ultrasound screen. However, I process anaesthetic quickly, so while at first I couldn't feel a thing, the second pass was painful. A bit like having your boob harpooned. They gave me more anaesthetic and took a further 2 samples.
The worst bit of the whole experience was the biopsy of the lump under my arm. It was decided not to do this with local anaesthetic, as its "just a needle prick". My arse it was. My underarm felt like it was being plungered by an angry wasp. No fun.
The breast care nurse came to speak to me after I'd spoken to the consultant. The lump was given a score of 3-4 out of 5 (5 meaning looks like cancer, 1 meaning definitely doesn't look like cancer). 3-4 is borderline - i.e. think its probably OK, but need to look closer. Anne-Marie is my care nurse and she is lovely. I was feeling a bit freaked out and upset by this point, and she managed to calm me down without giving the impression that there was nothing to worry about. At this point, everything is based around likelihoods and statistics, so the advice was "try not to worry, it's most likely benign, but if not we have great treatment options". Until the biopsy results are in, there is not really much more that can be said.
I was given an appointment for the following week, when the biopsy results would be ready, and after the weekly meeting at the clinic where all the results are discussed. I went away feeling very nervous, but pragmatic, and it was at this point I decided I had to tell my bosses what was happening. Up until this point I hadn't said anything to anyone other than my direct family and my lovely friend Rachael. Thankfully my boss is incredibly understanding, and told me not to worry about work and to work from home (as much as I felt able) until I got my results.
