Today was a good day. It was a stressful day but I end it happier than I've felt in a long time. Elated is probably the right word. Bear in mind that I'm writing this after half a bottle of champagne on an empty stomach, so my writing may be even worse than normal.
The big news first: Today I got the all clear.
My treatment is done and I am down to just regular check ups. No more drugs, and just a surgery to go, which I'm scheduling on Friday.
The how I got to today is a little more convoluted (isn't it always). I've been merrily having my Herceptin treatment and returning to work and generally feeling like a normal human being, except that I go and have a nap in a chemo suite every third week. As of the New Year I'm back at work full time and generally enjoying what I do for a living. I don't have much energy outside of that, but I can feel myself getting a little better every week.
Before Christmas I even got involved in a show, where I finally got to do a Panto (I was the evil queen, obviously ;-)). I think its fair to say that the acting bug has bitten again, and I'm looking forward to doing more later in the year.
Anyway I digress... a few weeks ago, just before my standard 3 month check up with the Oncologist. I started suffering pain in my left breast. Nothing terribly bad, but enough to make me worry - I'd had a similar pain in my right breast from about a year before my diagnosis. When I was diagnosed, I was told that this was likely a coincidence, but this didn't stop the paranoid side of my brain going into panic mode.
The day of my oncology appointment, I was doing my usual lump check (ladies - I hope you all do this!), and I felt something that might have been a lump. I could only feel it ever so slightly from a certain angle, and the sensible part of my brain said "nothing unusual, but best to mention along side the pain". Having no other side to check against makes these things a little more difficult to judge.
I went to see my oncologist the same day, and was examined. The determination was "I can feel what you're feeling, but lets do a scan to be certain". This lessened my anxiety quite a lot, but I was still quite shaken by the possibility that the cancer was back on the other side.
Unfortunately there happened to be quite a gap between that appointment and today, about 4 weeks. Most days it was to the back of my mind, but others it was to the front. I have to say thanks to my family, friends and colleagues who helped me through those days, even if they didn't know it at the time.
So back to today - both my left side mammogram and ultrasound were perfectly clear - nothing to indicate anything to worry about and a massive weight off my shoulders. Next up, in to see the consultant to be checked out and discuss next steps. All these consultations start with an examination, checked the left side - fine, check the glands, fine, check under the right arm, under the left arm...back under the right arm - at this point the little alarm bells start to ring.
"I'm pretty sure its just scar tissue, but there's a little lump under here I want checked out". Weight of the world goes back onto my shoulders. Another wait for the ultrasound check (its running slow due to network issues) for a scan. Another hour in the uncomfortable chairs. Back into the scan room - "Just scar tissue, nothing to worry about". Phew. It's now 13:30, I've been here nearly 3 hours but I don't care. I'm so happy I feel like I'm floating. Back to see the oncologist. "Excellent, nothing else required, we'll just see you in 3 months for a general check up"
Aside from the waiting and the worrying though, the worst part of today was seeing women come in and knowing that some of them are going to be told "I'm sorry, its bad news". There are other young women in the clinic too, having biopsies today and waiting for their results, one lady looked to be younger than me. I feel so sad for them, knowing the road they have to go down is so tough.
So here I am, 18 months down the line, and all clear. The major battle is won. The outcome of the war is still undecided, but things are looking as good as they can for the moment. The risk of metastasis (spread to somewhere critical) is still there an always will be, but this is still a moment to savour.
Fuck Cancer.
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